So, you’re carrying multiple babies… This can be a huge surprise (or shock) to learn. And sometimes, not so much – for example, if you half expected multiple as they run in your family, or it was part of the IVF gamble. 

Even if carrying twins, triplets, or more, is expected, half-expected, or not expected at all in your wildest dreams, there are so many adjustments and unexpected impacts. The worry of making it to term, or how close you might come to this. Being concerned about how your babies are developing, and whether all your babies are doing ok in the womb. Trying to carry to at least 26 weeks- because you want everyone to make it. And allthe pregnancy symptoms and discomforts!

Whether your babies arrive in a planned or sudden way, there are other challenges to face. Early births can be very stressful. If special care or neonatal intensive care is needed, this is often distressing. When you go home with your babies, it’s a steep learning curve: how can you meet everyone’s needs when you are pulled in multiple directions at once, how do you feed multiple babies, how do you settle multiple babies…

No matter how you spin it, multiple pregnancies and babies are challenging and can be highly stressful at times, more so than if you have had one baby. 

When the going gets tough, sometimes your mind will throw up thoughts like:

• ‘This would be so much easier if I only had one baby’
• ‘I wish I only had one’
• ‘I didn’t want twins/triplets/quintuplets’
• ‘Why did this happen to me? To us?’
• ‘I wouldn’t have this worry if I was only carrying one baby.’
• ‘Why do all my friends have just one baby?’
• ‘No one understands how hard and stressful this is’
• ‘How will I get through this?’
• ‘This is too much.’

When the stress is high, and your mind throws up these thoughts: you feel alone, like it’s just you struggling. This can make you sad and guilty, too. Sad because you sometimes wish you just had one baby to navigate, and the perceived ease that goes with this. Sad because you didn’t get your imagined pregnancy, birth, and postpartum experience. And guilty because you want your babies, all of them. Surely, you shouldn’t be thinking this way?

Guess what, mama: grieving the experience of having a single baby is entirely normal. This is what you’d imagined for your family, and expected. Adjusting to a more challenging and sometimes stressful pregnancy, then birthing, and caring for multiple babies is hard. Your body goes through the wringer. The image of your family’s future changes. And caring for multiples is challenging, and hard to prepare for (even if you half-expected to have multiples). 

When the going gets tough, your brain will throw up the alternate reality of what life would be like with just one baby. This is normal. But it also causes your emotions to intensify, adding to your stress load. 

So, what can you do about these thoughts and feelings? Here are some tips to cope with and process your experiences.  

1. You are not alone.

Recognising that you are not alone in feeling this way is the first step. 

Cementing this knowledge is valuable, however: get proof that it’s not just you. Join an online community of support for women with multiple babies. Connecting with others in your situation can make a difference. You are also exposed to helpful tips for coping, along with practical ideas to make life easier, one baby step at a time. 

2. Your feelings are ok. Allow them to be. 

Allow yourself to feel sad or grieve your imagined life with just one baby. This is ok. Your reality hasn’t matched your expectations, so of course you will feel some type of way about this. 

Allowing yourself to grieve your imagined future and baby does not mean you are a bad mother or that you don’t want your babies. It just means that life took an unexpected turn, and you are adjusting. 

When you are stressed, these feelings will activate – again and again. Grief moves in waves against your beach. Sometimes, the waves have receded and you won’t feel it at all. Then something happens, and grief for having just one baby shows up again- the wave crashes against the shore. Sometimes the waves are intense, and sometimes they are gentle. If you allow your feelings to show up and not judge them as ‘bad’, the waves will come and go. This is how grief works.

3. Recognise that your feelings are not a reflection on your relationship with your babies or your love for them. 

Whether you are still pregnant or your babies are out in the world, you are caring for your babies. You’re doing all the ‘right’ things in pregnancy, like taking vitamins, avoiding alcohol and certain foods, and going to antenatal appointments- this is you caring for your babies. When they are here in the world, you are feeding, caring, settling, and learning them. You are showing up for your babies in the ways that count. 

Thinking or feeling that life would be easier with just one bub does not mean that you don’t love and care for your existing babies. It means that your experience is unexpected or stressful, and you are (emotionally) growing into being a mother of multiples. This occurs while you are physically caring for your babies. Love is in the doing.

Sometimes, your feelings need time to catch up to your reality. And, like in any relationship, feelings of love continue to grow and multiply over time.

4. Recognise that your thoughts are just thoughts. 

Just because you have thoughts like ‘This would be so much easier if I only had one baby’ or ‘I wish I was carrying one child’ does not mean that you are bad, wrong, or ungrateful, even if it feels like it. 

When you have challenging thoughts, rather than judging or reacting to them, try to practise being neutral or nonjudgemental about them. This can be done by mentally observing these thoughts, with other thoughts. For example:

• “I’m having a thought that ‘This would be so much easier’ if I only had one baby.”
• “I notice I’m having the thought that ‘I wish I was carrying one child’.”
• “That’s an interesting thought.”
• “The thought of ‘No one understands how hard and stressful this is’ just showed up in my head.”
• “My brain just said, ‘This is too much’. This is a thought.”

If you practise neutrally observing these difficult thoughts, you’ll notice they don’t feel as bad, strong, or don’t hit you quite as painfully. This is the power of being nonjudgemental: your experience and private thoughts just are, rather than adding to your stress load. 

5. Find ways to take care of yourself. 

When you are stressed or challenged, you are more likely to feel badly and miss having just one baby. And carrying multiples can have significant challenges at times! 

Finding ways to ensure your body is taken care of with rest, nutrition, regular eating (if your pregnancy allows this), and hydration can help ease how intensely stress and strong emotions affect you. 

Creating a window in each day of 20-30 minutes of ‘me time’ also helps your coping and stress levels. 

In pregnancy, this might be having a routine of doing something you enjoy each day for 20+ minutes. 

Continue reading The Grief No One Talks About: Missing the ‘Normal’ Pregnancy and How to Cope